The Citrus Wars
by Hope Wheeler
Summary: This is exactly the kind of thing that is bound to happen when there's not much pressing to do around Atlantis...
1. Chapter 1

"Rodney."

"Busy."

"Rodney!"

The Canadian scientist looked up from his work briefly, clearly reaching the end of his patience. Not honoring Sheppard with so much as a backward glance, he stated, "Just because I'm a genius doesn't mean I can save the world with people constantly interrupting me." With that, he returned to his work, assuming that John was intelligent enough to realize that the conversation was over.

"Rodney, did you hide my lemon stash?"

Mckay paused again, briefly, looking up and turning his head slightly to the side. "No, John, I did not hide your dumb lemons," he said, condescension pervading his tone. "But if I had," he added thoughtfully, "I'd make sure you wouldn't be able to find them. Ever."

Sheppard strategically placed himself in front of the Canadian so that he would be more restricted in his work. "C'mon, McKay, cough 'em up."

"You Americans are ridiculously persistent. And dense. I told you, I didn't hide your lemons, or oranges, or anything else that you immaturely attempt to bully me with," Rodney answered. "Wouldn't get near the things," he added with an overly dramatic shudder. "Do you have any idea what it means to have a 'severe allergic reaction'?" Considering this for a moment, he moved to get back to his work. "Not likely."

"Was that supposed to be some kind of insult?" Sheppard asked with a smirk. "Just let me have them back, and I promise, you get a citrus reprieve for…three hours. Final offer."

"No!" Rodney replied forcefully, going across the room in his wheeled chair, attempting to get away from him.

Sheppard grinned. "So you do _have_ them," he said, folding his arms across his chest, clearly pleased with himself.

"No, I don't have them, I didn't hide them. I wouldn't want them-"

"In a box? Or would you like them with a fox?"

Rodney frowned. "What kind of nonsense is that?"

"Dr. Seuss. 'Green Eggs and Ham'. One of my favorite books as a kid," Sheppard answered a bit nostalgically.

"How charming," McKay answered. "Does it have an ending?"

"Of course," the Lieutenant Colonel replied, not quite catching McKay's sarcasm. "Wanna hear it? I think I can remember most of it."

"Tempting as the offer is…"

"I am Sam. Sam I am."

The scientist deftly realized that this had to be part of the supposed story. "That was not an invitation," Rodney stated, though he had a suspicion that it was a futile effort.

"Do you like green eggs and ham?" Sheppard's smile widened as he continued.

Rodney sighed in mock defeat. "No, I don't like green eggs and ham. Why would anyone want to have green eggs anyway?"

John sighed in return. "You're supposed to say, "I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them, Sam I Am'."

"Oh, good grief."

Sheppard shrugged, not yet ready to be deterred. He was on a roll. "Would like them in a house? Would you like them with…a…mouse?"

"I'm not listening to you," Rodney said, a bit of a sing-song lilt in his voice.

"Would you eat them here or there? Would you eat them anywhere?"

With a frustrated groan, McKay started working even more furiously, and humming quite loudly in an obvious attempt to out-volume Sheppard.

"Everything alright in here?" Dr. Weir asked, having come to check things out after hearing bits of the odd conversation and off-key humming coming from the room.

"'Course, Elizabeth," John said with a smile. "But Rodney would really like to know whether you like green eggs and ham," he added, giving her a "play along" wink since McKay wasn't paying attention.

"Uh, yes," Elizabeth replied uncertainly. "I…actually love…green eggs." Normally she wouldn't be one to play along with one of John's little games, or get in the middle of a John and Rodney conflict, but this seemed rather harmless. And light moments were much too few and far between at Atlantis. She just hoped that she wouldn't regret the decision.

John smiled appreciatively at her compliance.

"No, I don't care whether she likes green eggs _or_ ham," Rodney argued, ignoring the seemingly obvious fact of the ridiculous statement she had made.

"What's the problem, Rodney?" Elizabeth asked, sure that it really had nothing to do with oddly colored eggs.

"Top Gun here lost his lemons, and he's having a fit about it," the Canadian answered authoritatively. "And I can't get a thing done with him bothering me."

"Lemons?"

"Oh, come on, Rodney, you already admitted that you took them."

"I did no such thing." There went the pouting look, this time, focused in Elizabeth's direction. "Please, I need it quiet so that I can work," he pleaded.

"If you didn't take someone else's stuff, I wouldn't even be here."

Elizabeth almost felt she should insert an objection to that statement, since bothering Rodney seemed to be one of John's favorite pastimes, but then she thought better of it.

"I did not do anything with you're stupid lemons, Sheppard!" Spinning around in his chair to face the Colonel in his anger, he accidentally kicked over a bag that had been hidden under his desk. A small, yellow fruit rolled out into the middle of the floor.

"And just what is that?"

Deciding that the universe wasn't at risk because of the situation, at least yet, Elizabeth made her way out of the room, knowing that it would be best for Rodney and John to work this out on their own. Diplomacy could only do so much.

"Looks like a lemon," Rodney said. "Someone's really trying to take me out, putting a lemon under my desk, and then blaming it on me!" Moving back to face his desk, he attempted to keep the rest of the bag from tipping over but without success.

John chuckled as close to a dozen lemons rolled out from underneath the desk.

"Yeah, someone's really got it out for you. Ever heard the phrase 'your own worst enemy'?" he asked retrieving the escaped lemons and the bag to take them back to his own quarters.

"Knew I should've gotten rid of them already," Rodney muttered under his breath as he got back to work.

A few seconds later, he heard a slightly muffled voice from the hallway. "And I will eat them on a train. I will eat them in the rain. I do so like green eggs and…lemons…"


	2. The Citrus Strikes Back

**The Citrus Strikes Back**

"Is this somebody's idea of a joke?" Rodney McKay didn't necessarily expect an answer to the question, he just felt as though the level of outrage and annoyance he was feeling should be expressed, whether or not anyone else could hear. What he did expect, however, was to hear Sheppard laughing at him from a safe distance away.

He was a bit confused when he didn't hear it, and decided the wisest thing to do was to return his attention to the item on his desk.

It looked like a lemon. It was the right shape, the right size, and, at least from as close as McKay was willing to get, it had that distinct lemon smell.

But it was green.

And not just a "mostly-yellow-with-a-greenish-tint green". It was Kermit-the-Frog, bright-green-grass green.

So, was it really a lemon?

Whatever it was, the entire thing had "John Sheppard" written all over it, which put McKay more on alert than he usually was. But being a scientist, he just had to know. Taking a pen that was near the green obstruction on his desk, he bent down over it, poking it gently until it rolled.

It had to be a lemon. The curious mind in him wanted to know for sure, though he wasn't going to bother asking John if that's what it took. He leaned in closer, breathing a prayer that this wouldn't be the death of him.

"I do so love green eggs and lemons."

The whispered voice directly behind made McKay jump straight up in the air before he turned around furiously to face a grinning Sheppard. "I can't believe you…I mean, why in the universe would you even think of…You could have killed me."

Sheppard chuckled. "Not likely. You're just too tenacious to be gotten rid of that easily, McKay."

"Yes, well, be that as it may, your little joke is not appreciated." McKay's arms were now folded on his chest, his idea of an authoritative, forceful stance.

The lieutenant colonel's smirk just deepened. "You know, in 'Green Eggs and Ham', the character actually tries the green eggs and ham and decides he likes it in end."

"If I tried it, I would die," McKay replied simply, looking as if he were trying to get back to doing something constructive. "Now if you would be so kind as to remove that…thing." He gave an indirect gesture toward the lemon. Noticing Sheppard's dress and messed up hair, he added. "Some of us like to get something accomplished before lunch instead of wasting our time on childish pranks."

Sheppard simply shrugged, deftly picking up the lemon and tossing it in the air just in front of McKay's face before catching it again. "Well, I guess I'll go get ready then," he said, heading for the door before turning back. "Sure you don't want to try it?" When McKay didn't answer he continued on his way.

McKay, a satisfied smile on his face that seemed to come from more than simply ridding himself of Sheppard for the time being, went back to the figures on his computer screen, though he wasn't really focusing on them just yet. He was waiting for something…

"What happened to my hair gel?"

It was McKay's turn to smirk. Some people were simply good enough to pull off a quality prank and get work done at the same time.


End file.
